“This book is really funny.”
—Hannah, age 11, Durango, Colorado
The Right Way
To Flop A Rubber Chicken
Hi there. I’m Mr. Jax, collector of collectibles. Parents often think they can give their children a rubber chicken without any instruction. How preposterous!
On this page, we are going to learn the correct way to flop a rubber chicken.
While there are countless wrong ways to flop a rubber chicken, there is only one correct way to flop a rubber chicken. Are you ready to learn this correct method of rubber chicken flopping? Okay, let’s flop!
Figure 1.1
To correctly flop a rubber chicken, be sure that you have a rubber chicken and not a rubber rooster, rubber turkey, rubber toad or rubber fish. You cannot learn how to correctly flop a rubber chicken with a rubber fish.
Figure 1.2
Respect your rubber chicken. Embrace your rubber chicken as the most useless object in the world. Look your rubber chicken in the face and say,
“I embrace you, my most respected rubber chicken.”
Figure 2.1
Figure 2.2
Figure 2.3
Hold your rubber chicken gently but firmly at its midsection. Do not hold your rubber chicken by its feet or its head.
Figure 3.1
Figure 3.2
Figure 3.3
To flop, use your whole arm. Now move your arm up and down. Keep your elbow loose and your wrist fairly stiff. See how easy it is? You are now flopping a rubber chicken the right way. Congratulations!
Figure 4.1
Figure 4.2
Remember when I said there is only one correct way to flop a rubber chicken? I goofed! There are one-and-a-half ways to correctly flop a rubber chicken. The half way is this: follow all of the steps listed above except for those shown in Figures 3.1 through 3.3 above. Instead of those steps, quickly rotate your wrist to the left and to the right. Your rubber chicken’s head and feet should be flopping most marvelously. If they are, then you’ve done it! If they are not, then perhaps you should not be trying to flop a rubber chicken in the first place.
When you get really good at correctly flopping your rubber chicken, try flopping your whole body while flopping your lovely rubber fowl. That’s what I do. And I’m always sure to exclaim, “Hey, look at me, I’m a flopping rubber chicken flopper!” Be sure to flop responsibly.
